Collaborative Practice Is Not the Soft Option when it Comes to Separation & Divorce

A reflection following advanced Collaborative Practice training in Sydney

Recently, I travelled to Sydney for advanced Collaborative Practice training.

One of the themes explored throughout the workshop was a perceptions many people hold about collaborative practice:

That it is the "soft" option.

That it is suitable only for highly amicable separations.

That it works when people are reasonable and cooperative, but falls apart when things become difficult.

And perhaps most commonly:

That collaborative professionals are somehow avoiding the hard conversations, not enforcing boundaries or not advocating strongly enough to protect interests or achieve desired outcomes.

The reality is quite the opposite.

The Hardest Work We Do

As we explored complex case studies, reflected on practice experiences, and challenged each other's thinking, a key practice observation surfaced:

For many collaborative practitioners, this is the hardest work they do in the separation space.

Because it actually requires us to hold complexity that many traditional processes are not designed to hold.

Collaborative practice asks us to remain curious where others may move to judgement.

To remain regulated where others may become reactive.

To remain future-focused when fear, hurt, anger, and uncertainty are pulling people toward positional thinking.

To focus less on blame and more on understanding, accountability, and support that reduces unnecessary harm and conflict escalation.

To default to problem solving whenever they hit a wall or impasse.

And perhaps most importantly:

To not only remain aware of the humanity of everyone in the room, but to create space for it.

Even when behaviour is challenging, trust has been damaged, communication has broken down and emotions are running high.

Collaboration Is Not About Avoiding Conflict

One of the biggest misconceptions about collaborative practice is that it seeks to avoid conflict.

It does not.

Conflict is unavoidable and often the very thing we are working with.

The difference is that collaborative processes seek to understand conflict in order to solve it, rather than weaponise it to strengthen a position.

Rather than asking:

"Who is right?"

Collaborative practice often asks:

"What is driving this?"

"What is needed here?"

"What would create movement?"

"How do we reduce harm and keep everyone safe, whilst still addressing the issue directly?"

Sometimes those conversations are deeply uncomfortable and require hard decision and actions.

And they are certain not void of accountability, firm boundaries or requiring people to hear things they would rather avoid.

Truthfully this is often part of the role of all lawyers from time to time, yet in traditional practice the lawyer is generally only required to navigate these conversations well for one person - their own client.

In Collaborative Practice, each professional on the team has a role in navigating these conversations well not just one person, but the whole team and both clients.

There is nothing soft or easy about that. And it takes an incredible amount of skill to do it well.

Some of the Most Complex Cases

Another misconception is that collaborative practice is only suitable for straightforward matters.

In reality, some of the most experienced collaborative practitioners work with extraordinarily complex family systems.

Cases involving:

• trauma;

• long-term addiction;

• mental health challenges;

• entrenched conflict; and

• profound relationship breakdown.

And in carefully screened circumstances, sometimes even those that matter than involve family violence.

This does not mean collaborative practice is always appropriate.

Safety must always come first and having careful procedures and protocols in place are paramount in determining suitability.

But where there is genuine insight, transparency, accountability, and commitment to the process, collaborative approaches can sometimes create outcomes that traditional adversarial pathways struggle to achieve.

Because the work is not simply about reaching an agreement.

It is about creating enough safety, understanding, structure, and support for meaningful and constructive decision-making to occur. And often not just for now, but for the future of the separating family (particularly where children are a part of that).

Hard on Problems. Compassionate With People.

Perhaps the most important distinction is this:

Collaborative practice is not soft on problems.

It is often incredibly robust, creative, and solution focused in how issues are identified, explored, and addressed.

What it refuses to do is confuse attacking people with solving problems.

The process seeks to hold people accountable whilst preserving dignity.

To address risk whilst reducing unnecessary harm, conflict, loss and toll.

To acknowledge difficult realities without dehumanising or villianising those involved.

And that balance is not easy.

Why It Matters

Separation is one of the most significant transitions a family will experience.

The way we navigate conflict during that transition matters.

Not just for legal or financial outcomes.

But for children. For future relationships. For healing. For wellbeing. And for the lives people build after the separation process is complete.

And as someone who not only supports others with Collaborative Separation, but is living one daily with my own bi-nuclear family system, I am more than convinced it is not the soft option.

Rather it takes courage, it takes compassion, it takes humility, it takes work and it takes a hell of a lot of resilience and strength.

And all those I know who have walked the path of a Collaborative Separation, say:

It is worth it!

If you are curious about whether a Collaborative Separation may be the right fit for you or your family, I invite you to book a First Step Session to explore your options, next steps and begin your journey to a more positive separation experience with 45 minutes of 1:1 support and bonus access to our Breaking the Cycles of Conflict in Separation program.

Or if you would wish to learn more about our services or offerings, you might book a complimentary short Next Steps Call.