Kindness in Separation: Why Small Acts Matter More than you Think!

There is a common belief that kindness and separation cannot exist in the same sentence.

That once a relationship ends, everything needs to become separate, or cordial at best.

But over time and through much lived and professional experience, I have come to see things differently.

In fact, I often invite my clients to consider that kindness is actually one of the most powerful tools in separation for fostering the key ingredients to healthy communication and conflict navigation.

Importantly, this is not about overgiving or abandoning yourself by ignoring hurt, avoiding necessary conversations, or failing to set healthy boundaries. Rather, it is the type of kindness you would offer any other important person in your life.

The type of kindness that can be the difference between a call, email, letter, or text landing as considerate and constructive... or landing as hurtful, provocative, or unnecessarily inflammatory.

Because for many separating families, particularly those raising children together, this person does not simply disappear from your life. The boundaries of your relationship change, but a relationship remains.

For me personally, kindness in separation has been expressed in simple moments:

• Offering to grab my son’s father a coffee if I am stopping by a cafe before pick up or football.

• Asking if he needs anything from the shops if I am already there.

• Being flexible with arrangements where it genuinely has no negative impact on me or our son. Ensuring my son has gifts organised for Father’s Day, birthdays, and Christmas.

• Allowing grace for every day human imperfection and mistakes.

Small, ordinary things.

Things many of us would naturally do for a friend, sibling, neighbour, or colleague.

Things we might even do for a stranger if we consider the world wide initiative of "Random Acts of Kindness."

Yet somehow, after separation, we are often taught these same acts become strange or inappropriate - even when you parent the same children. This notion has always been somewhat bizarre to me.

Yet, of course, context and personal boundaries matter.

There will always be co-parents who function best without a grocery shop check in. (And to be clear, my personal examples are just that, personal examples.)

There will also always be relationships and circumstances where greater distance is necessary for safety and wellbeing.

But even then, there are moments where we can choose kindness. For example:

• You could still choose to give grace and flexibility for a change in a parenting schedule for a birthday, special event, holiday, funeral etc that was not explicitly agreed before now.

• Or you could choose to instruct your lawyer not to send that letter today because it is their birthday.

Again, kindness does not mean removing boundaries. It means holding compassionate ones.

And where it is safe and possible, these small acts can create something incredibly valuable:

• Goodwill.

• Trust.

• Emotional safety.

• Respect.

Each of which are key ingredients to fostering healthy communication and conflict navigation.

And perhaps most importantly, our children are always watching and learning how to model communication, conflicts, ruptures and breakdowns through us.

They are learning from us what happens when relationships change.
They are learning whether endings have to mean enemies.

They are learning whether conflict requires disconnection.

They are learning how humans treat each other through disappointment, hurt, and transition.

We have more influence than we realise over the beliefs and relational patterns they will carry forward about love, family, conflict, and break-ups.

And sometimes the smallest acts of kindness create the path to building the strongest foundations for the family that continues after separation.

Yet I know all to well, it can be tough to access kindness when we are in the thick of separation chaos especially when our present experience of the other person may be less than kind.

If you find yourself struggling to find pathways to kindness, it can help to start small.

And if you find yourself in need of additional support, I invite you to book a First Step Session with 45 minutes of 1:1 support to explore your options and next steps plus bonus access to our foundational program Breaking the Cycles of Conflict in Separation.