The Divorce Dance - Does it Take Two to Tango?

This week I had the chance to share one of my favourite analogies about conflict and relationships, and it really landed.

It goes like this….

We all know it takes two to tango.

But no one is born knowing how to tango, and no one is at fault for that.

Some people were fortunate enough to have parents, caregivers, mentors or life experiences that taught them the steps early.

Others were not.

And even those who learned to tango well cannot dance it alone.

Just like the tango, most of us were never explicitly taught how to build healthy relationships, navigate conflict, repair ruptures, communicate effectively, regulate our emotions or consciously navigate relationships when they change or end.

Yet these are all skills and capacities.

And skills and capacities can be learned...

EVEN IN THE THICK OF SEPARATION & DIVORCE

With awareness, practice, patience, compassion and consistency, we can all learn to tango better as we navigate relationships and conflicts.

But again, just like the tango, if you didn't learn this in childhood, you will almost certainly misstep, trip and perhaps even fall.

In fact, even if you did, you probably still will.

Because no one gets this "right" all of the time.

And so the goal is about becoming aware of the steps we are dancing.

To notice when we keep stepping on each other's toes.

To recognise when we are repeating the same sequence over and over again, despite neither of us particularly enjoying the dance.

And to develop enough awareness and skill that when we find ourselves repeating unhelpful patterns, we have the ability to choose a different step.

Because whilst it does take two to dance the tango, there is another important truth:

It only takes one person to improve their skills to begin changing the direction of the dance.

We cannot control the steps another person chooses or  force them to learn alongside us.

But we can become more conscious of the steps we are taking.

We can learn to regulate ourselves when the tempo changes.

We can communicate more clearly when we lose rhythm.

We can become better at repair when we inevitably step on someone's toes.

Perhaps that's one of the most empowering things I've learned...

That we don't have to wait for someone else to change before we begin changing the way we dance.

And when it comes to separation and divorce, those changes can make an enormous difference.

Because relationships do not necessarily end the moment you decide to separate, they often evolve into something else.

This is particularly true for co-parents.

But also true for everyone who has some degree of entanglement, whether that be financially, socially or both.

And the skills we develop along the way don't just influence how we navigate the relationship that is ending.

They influence how we move through separation, how we navigate conflict, how we show up for our children, and the foundations we create for the future of all our relationships.

And every new step we learn becomes something we carry with us...

Into whatever dances come next.

Take Your N‍ext Step!‍

If you are ready to take charge of your steps in the relational dance, I am excited to announce that registrations of interest for the next intake of:

Cycle Breakers: A Conscious & Collaborative Uncoupling Immersion

Coming Early 2027.

Just contact us here to register your interest.