One Question That Can Turn Conflict Around

Recently I saw a post by another Collaborative Practitioner saying that once you become familiar with collaborative approaches to separation and divorce, there is a danger...

A danger of becoming disillusioned with how things have always been done in the past, and a danger of asking some questions that can feel quite confronting when navigating the thick of separation.

And yet these questions can be GAME CHANGING when it comes to turning around conflict dynamics and entrenched positions.

One question this practitioner mentioned, which I think is one of the most powerful questions we can ask if we wish to turn things around, is this:

What does your client actually need?

Now, of course, the practitioner was speaking about asking this question in her role as a family lawyer.

But for many people, where there are no safety concerns, this is the type of question that could be asked directly of a former partner or co-parent when struggling to reach agreement on something:

What do you actually need?

It is such a simple question.

But when nervous systems are activated and guards are up, human beings tend to become not just more self-focused, but far more prone to making assumptions about the motivations, behaviours and positions of the other person.

Yet this is precisely why the question is so powerful.

The Power of One Question

The power of this one questions lives in how it can change the trajectory of the conflict. Because it creates space for:

1. The other person to be truly and accurately seen

Feeling genuinely seen and understood tends to soften guarded positions and open lines of communication.

It doesn't mean we necessarily agree with what the other person wants.

It simply means we understand what is actually driving their position before responding to it.

2. Needs to actually be met without drawn-out, stressful negotiations

When we understand what people actually need beneath the conflict, we often discover there are more ways to resolve things that work for everyone involved than we previously considered.

Sometimes we become stuck negotiating over a particular position when there are actually multiple ways of meeting the need sitting underneath it.

3. Avoiding unnecessary and prolonged conflict

I have seen people ready to commence Court proceedings over issues that were based in assumption, only to resolve the conflict directly with their former partner once the right questions were asked.

Assumptions are seriously dangerous in the space of conflict!

Hot Tip

Next time you find yourself in conflict with your former partner or co-parent, I invite you to pause and ask yourself:

Do I actually know what they need here?

And if not, consider exploring that question with them, either directly or with professional support where direct communication is not appropriate or safe. You might be surprised by the answer.

And here's a hot tip… it is not always a physical need.

Sometimes it is a practical need or an emotional need. And those needs are equally valid.

Yet practical and emotional needs are often overlooked because we make assumptions that the other person's position is being driven by more self-interested motivations.

For example:

Physical needs might actually be:

I need somewhere to live.

I need sufficient income to support myself.

The children need new shoes.

People generally accept these needs, but may still argue around quality/quantity etc that may then be tied into practical and emotional needs as additional layers of the conflict.

Practical needs The need might actually be:

I need someone to help me understand these figures.

I need more time to refinance.

The children need someone to help them with their homework.

But the assumption becomes:

You're deliberately delaying.

You're undervaluing the property because you're greedy or unfair.

You're an incompetent or careless parent.

Emotional needs might actually be:

I need support because I am overwhelmed with grief and all the decisions that need to be made.

I am scared and I need to know things will be okay if we move forward with this plan.

The children need consistency between homes.

But the assumption becomes:

You're deliberately avoiding this or being vindictive.

You're being irrational or asking for unnecessary information to delay things.

You're overreacting or you don't trust my parenting.

When We Remove Assumptions

Now I invite you to notice what happens when we take away the assumption. Notice how differently these two statements feel:

"You're just deliberately delaying and trying to control the process."

Versus:

"I just need some help to understand these figures."

The practical problem may be exactly the same - delay.

But our understanding of why it is happening has completely changed.

And with that understanding, our response is likely to change too.

Because when we stop assuming we know what is driving another person's behaviour and become curious about what they actually need, we create space for different conversations, different solutions and, potentially, very different outcomes.

The Take Away

Sometimes one simple question really can turn conflict around:

What do you actually need?

Because not only do create space not just for more solutions, but for our own experience of the conflict to change.

And yet interrupting long help patterns of conflict and leaning into hard questions in the high emotional space of separation and divorce is not easy. If you would like support as you navigate your journey, we can help. Just book your First Steps Call to start your thriving separation journey for just $97.