Why Being the "Better Communicator" in Separation can Shoot you in the Foot!

By Kara Ockendon

Something that has become increasingly apparent to me as I support separating individuals and couples through separation is that many people genuinely believe they communicate well.

More than that, many people believe they are the “better communicator" between themselves and their former spouse or co-parent.

Yet what I often see, as an objective witness to their communication patterns, is that this belief is not as strongly based in reality as they believe.

And yet, importantly, the belief is often a genuine one.

Which, of course, can become particularly problematic when both people believe they are the good communicator and the other person is the problem.

So why do we see this in relationships?

Some might reach quickly for labels: delusional, narcissistic, sociopathic, emotionally stunted... all the labels that can carry negative connotations, assumptions of villainism and, sometimes, an assumption that the person is incapable of change.

And sure, for some people, diagnostic labels may fit.

But in my experience, it is often far more nuanced and complex.

And when we reach for labels that don't actually fit, they can become a convenient way of locating the communication problem entirely within the other person.

Because if they are the narcissist, they are emotionally stunted, or they are simply incapable of healthy communication, then perhaps I don't need to look quite so closely at how I communicate.

And that can inadvertently allow us to deflect responsibility and avoid the much harder work of looking in the mirror and considering how we might need to change the way we show up in communication.

So let's explore three reasons someone can genuinely believe they are communicating well, even when their communication patterns suggest there may still be some work to do.

1. Engrained familiar communication patterns

We are all born into some kind of family system.

And family systems often come with generational patterns of communication passed down from grandparent to parent, parent to child and so on.

For many of us who grew up in relatively ordinary families, in the absence of severe neglect or abuse, we had well-intended parents who taught us what they understood to be better or acceptable communication.

You don't say it like that. You say it like this.

If someone speaks to you like that, that's bad or wrong.

Perhaps we don't share our feelings. We suck it up, until those feelings eventually emerge elsewhere in more subtle or covert ways.

Perhaps we don't express what we need because we've learned that others come first, only to silently resent them when our needs remain unmet.

Perhaps we don't hit, but yelling, talking over one another, storming off and slamming doors are normalised.

Oh, that's just how they are. Don't worry, they'll calm down soon enough.

And in some families and cultures, more animated, loud or expressive ways of working through conflict are genuinely normalised and accepted.

And so, if this is what we grew up understanding as “healthy” — or at least normal — communication, why wouldn't we believe we're communicating reasonably?

We are often measuring ourselves against the communication framework we were given, and so our belief that we are communicating well may be genuinely held.

2. Not all education and counselling sources are equal

This is something that has become shockingly apparent to me.

The resources, education and professional support people rely upon to improve communication within relationships are far from consistent or equal.

And unfortunately, sometimes the information can completely miss the mark, even when it is well-intended and delivered by someone who, on face value, appears appropriately trained and qualified.

That means there are people who are genuinely trying to improve their communication, who then take what they have learned and apply it in real time believing they are communicating better.

But sometimes the framing or language they have been taught falls short.

And when conflict inevitably continues, it becomes very easy to conclude:

Well, I did the course.

I went to counselling.

I worked with a coach.

I followed my lawyer's advice.

So it must be them.

We can also learn the language of healthy communication without necessarily having integrated the skills behind it.

An “I feel” statement can still contain an accusation or judgment.

A person can believe they are expressing a boundary, when they are really expressing an ultimatum.

Expressing a need can become repeated pressure when the other person has already said no.

Being “direct” can become unnecessarily harsh.

Knowing the terminology and communicating effectively aren't necessarily the same thing. So again, people can genuinely believe they are applying effective communication frameworks while still unintentionally communicating in ways that contribute to conflict escalation.

3. We judge our own communication by our intention, while others experience its impact

When we communicate, we have access to all the context behind our words.

We know what we meant.

We know what we were trying to achieve.

We know why we became frustrated.

We know the ten things that happened before we finally snapped.

We know we walked away because we felt overwhelmed, rather than because we intended to punish the other person.

So when we assess our own communication, we naturally include our intention, reasoning and internal experience.

The other person doesn't have access to all of that.

They experience our words, tone, timing and behaviour and the impact those things have on them.

And interestingly, when assessing their communication, we tend not to give them the same grace or understanding we give ourselves.

And so two people can walk away from the exact same interaction genuinely believing:

I tried to communicate reasonably. They're the one who made this impossible.

Neither person necessarily has to be lying, manipulative or deliberately distorting what occurred.

They may simply be assessing the same interaction through two very different lenses, both of which feel entirely genuine and valid to them.

In my experience, this is incredibly common and can become a huge source of disconnect, misdirected blame and shame when communication breaks down.

So, are you actually the “better” communicator?

None of this means all communication between two or more people is equally healthy.

It also doesn't mean harmful communication should be excused because someone didn't intend the impact it had.

What it does mean however, is that if we want improve communication, perhaps one of the first things we need to relinquish is our investment in being the “good communicator” in the relationship.

Because if I am convinced that I already communicate well and you are the communication problem, what motivation do I have to examine my own contribution?

Perhaps a more useful question isn't:

“Am I the better communicator?”

But:

“What might I still have to learn about the way I communicate?”

Because regardless of how much we know, how many courses we've completed, how much therapy we've undertaken or how effectively we already communicate, there is usually still something we can learn.

This is especially true when we add in the reality that what constitutes effective communication in one relationship may not translate as effectively into another - even where, objectively, it falls within the realms of healthy communication.

Because we all come with our own unique blueprints for what we need in communication to feel safe, seen, heard, valued, reassured and regulated.

That's a whole other conversation.

But what all of this highlights is that the willingness to remain curious about what we may still have to learn about the way we communicate, across time and relationships, is perhaps one of the most valuable communication skills of all.

Communication Support

If you've been following us for a while, you'll know that we are firm believers that communication and conflict dynamics can often be improved through separation, beyond separation and into co-parenting.

If you would like support with this, our Breaking the Cycles of Conflict in Separation program is a great place to start. It is also provided as a complimentary resource provided with all my services and offerings.

For more information please feel free to contact us here.